If you ask me what is harder than games, I would probably respond with, “love.” Love to me is like a very difficult math problem. No matter how much I think about it, no matter how hard I stare at it, I simply cannot find the answer. Looking through the books that point out the equation of love, and even after substituting with this formula and that formula, I just cannot solve it. When will I be able to solve this problem? Or should I just ignore it, leaving it as a problem that can never be solved?

During my school days, I felt no envy towards my friends that had girlfriends. ‘Why do I need a girlfriend? We always have a good time just by ourselves.’ Like that, I was a child that did not have any interest in having a girlfriend. With my introverted personality, I could not even properly face a girl. I had three sisters, but I still felt shy in front of girls, and my friends just could not understand why I would turn red, even when staring at girls. Obviously there weren’t any girls that liked those kinds of boys, and I did not have any girlfriends until I graduated from high school.

The first girlfriend I met was through gaming. Because I went to an all-boys’ middle school and high school, there weren’t any chances of meeting girls. But there were girls that I met regularly while playing games at the PC bang. As I continued to come across them, my face color returned to normal, and I spoke quite well and made great progress.

It was during the time when I used to play games all day long at the PC bang. I had no future and it was before I became a progamer, but it was the time when I was happy with just the fact that I could play to my heart’s content. Then one day my attention was drawn towards a certain girl. She was a girl that would come once in a while to the PC bang that I was always at. Strangely enough, when I looked at her, my eyes would continue to look at her, and I wanted to say something to her. But I was not once able to have a proper conversation with her. On top of that, I found out that she had a boyfriend. There was not much I could do.

But then a chance came across like fate. One day I saw her crying on the steps. She had broken up with her boyfriend. This was an opportunity given to me by heaven. Now that she was single, she could be my girlfriend. I comforted her, and with that start, we naturally became close. And that was how my first love began.

Without having to directly mention about us being in a relationship, we met frequently and spent time together playing games. And it was most likely because it was my first time having a girlfriend that I could not control my emotions of wanting to know what she was doing, and what I could do to make her happy. I was not adept at creating the kind of atmosphere a girl liked, and I did not have the ability to buy her expensive gifts, but I was happy with just the fact that we were together. She was, after all, my first girlfriend.

But our happy times did not last long. Whether it was because we were of equal age, we began to fight every time we met. Others could think that it was just a quarrel between friends, but I became exhausted from the repetitive fights. With the feeling of insecurity of the uncertain futures each of us had, along with our tempers mixed in, there was no stopping to our disputes. It was because we had no jobs, we were not even college students, and were no more than a relationship by enjoying games at a PC bang. Exhausted from fighting, we decided to take some time off, and that was how it ended.

If I had not begun the life of a progamer and had enough time, things might have gone well with her. But I became a progamer and I needed even more time for practice. I had no time to think about her. But that might have just been an excuse. I might have lost her because I could not express my feelings for her properly, and could have just been looking for an excuse. And so my childish first love came to an end.

Shortly after letting her go, I became a progamer. A company team was created, and I was given teammates. Day after day, it was full of practice. Now that I was playing games again every day, it seemed there would be no opportunity to have a girlfriend. But before long, a girl appeared that caught my eye. She was a friend that greatly liked gaming, and her main race was also Terran. By saying that I was teaching the game, I intentionally made time that I could be with her. With the practice that I had to do, my time was completely full, but I did not consider time wasted when I was with her. We gradually spent more time together, and I introduced her to the team that I was part of. And she became a progamer as well.

We were teammates at the same progaming team, as well as being a boyfriend and girlfriend. Though one could consider being together as dating, the most we could do was play games. When I think about it now, I think I was a very boring boyfriend. After becoming a progamer, I entered in all kinds of game tournaments, and with the increased amount of practice, the amount of private time decreased. Obviously the time I could spend with her decreased. Because we could not put in enough time, I did not give her many mementos. At the time, gaming took priority over my girlfriend. My first goal was to be the greatest progamer, and everything else was second. At first, she understood my situation as a teammate. She knew well the stress that one received as a progamer, and so she celebrated with me when I won, and stayed by my side when I lost.

I continually became very active, and was too busy to eat or sleep. I began to take hold of championships in game tournaments, and many places began to ask for me. While I continued to drive on relentlessly as a progamer, she left her life as a progamer. Though we did not have time alone together when she was in the team, we could still briefly see each other, but when she left the team, it was hard to see her, even once a month. Saying that my schedule was busy, saying that I had to practice, I forced her to keep waiting. Finally, she was worn out.

“It’s too difficult to wait any longer. Let’s break up!”

I was not ready to let her go. But I realized that it would be more difficult for her to be by my side. Though I was heartbroken, I knew that there was nothing I could do for her, and I knew that I could not spend the kind of time that she desired, and so I let her go. And like that, my second love was gone like the empty wind.

For a while I could not have a girlfriend. I was too busy, and I had no leeway to have a girlfriend. And with the increasing number of fans, my outings continued to decrease. All the people that I met were related to gaming, and it seemed that there weren't many opportunities to meet potential new girlfriends. But as the time passed by, I met a third girlfriend. Didn’t someone say that love was like an accident, where love was like running into another person? I truly met this girl by chance. And I fell for her at first sight. Though I met her for a short while, she was a person that I really liked. There is also a need for timing in love. Our timings didn’t match. Why our love kept on missing each other, I was very resentful. That spring of 2004 that I spent with her was the happiest month of April, and also the most brutal, because I could no longer be with her. And so my third love remained as an untreated wound.

There are always winners and losers in games. But there are no winners in breakups. Mutually letting go of their hands, each side giving up on each other, perhaps that is why both become losers.

I became a loser after my third love. But I would rather be a loser than fear love. I am waiting for a new love.